Rohit’s Ramblings

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Every person at some point in his childhood has been asked the question - “What do you want to be when you grow up?”. Little Johnny in some stroke of inspiration decided that he wanted to be a doctor. With great pride he expressed this desire to his father. His father was glad. But Little Johnny was only slightly older than a toddler. His father asked him -

I’m glad to hear your ambitions, that you’ve aired,
However, it is necessary for you to be mentally prepared,
You must know that there are hazards in every occupation,
And when you’re holding a scalpel during an operation,
To cut open a person, wouldn’t you feel scared?

Kids can say the funniest things. Little Johnny was wiser beyond his years. He calmly responded…

Earlier too on these reasons, I did dwell,
Then I reached a conclusion - my plan I shouldn’t shelve,
My reasoning is really simple, forward and straight,
There isn’t really a reason for me to be afraid,
Cause it isn’t like I would be cutting myself!

Good point.

A friend of mine sent roses to a girl for valentines - she picked them up 3 days after they were delivered. The roses had withered… he now consoles himself …

The latest edition of a magazine sporting a pic of Priyanka Chopra on the cover was lying on the dining table. Father and son were seated, sipping on their tea. The son picks up the magazine and comments…

Son: “Priyanka Chopra looks really different in this picture…”

Father: “How so?”

Son: “I don’t know… I can’t seem to put my finger on it.”

Father: “You mean the change is that subtle?”

Son: “No. I meant that it would be rude if I did.”

If Chetan Bhagat made porn, what would he name his titles ?

When you already give 30% of your salary to the government in the form of taxes - you are already working 4 out 12 months for the government. Add to that the newly introduced taxes on perks that suck away 1.5 - 2 months salary. That takes the total to 6 months. Half of your time in office, you work for the government. The remaining half, you work for yourself and your company.

Shouldn’t that entitle us to work like government employees half of the time? Can you imagine what an IT company would be like - if it operated like a bad public sector company?

Scrap email.

Have a form for everything - “Bug log karna hai? Yeh form bhariye. Kal tak kaam ho jayega.”. There are several advantages to having a form for everything. On days you are really bored, you can make all the forms disappear and say, “Aaj form khatam ho gaye madam. Kal aayega.”.

Better still, when you are REALLY REALLY bored - first make the forms disappear. Next, make bad photocopied versions of the forms and sell them outside the office for a profit.

Pay bribes.

To get work done. After all - kickbacks would be our only “real income”, right? Here is how a manager would get the latest performance data from an employee… or even hand us our next paycheque.

Send people in circles.

Manager wants an update on some bug? Ask her to go to Raviji’s office. Raviji would redirect the manager to Amirji. Amirji would redirect to Kirtiji. Kirtiji would redirect to Poonamji… Oh wait… Poonamji is on a vacation. Try again after 2 days.

Spend the entire revenue of the company.

That’s how governments operate. Unspent budget is a bad thing - you are doing a bad job of utilizing your resources properly, if any budget is left unspent. Go buy that pool table you always wanted for your team. Or better still - hire one “chela” to say “Jee Sahabji” to everything you say.
 
Make silly excuses.

“Code sync hone ko time lagega sir.”
“Abhi toh code compile ho raha hai sir. Do din mein aapko results mil jaenge… Mein bata raha hoon na sir.”
“Shaam ho gayi hai sir… Itne andhere mein forms kaise bharenge?”

Buffer overflows - they are vulnerabilities sublime,
They’re easily overlooked most the time,
But when you go through sloppy code with a fine tooth comb,
With such ease you will uncover many a ticking time bomb,
And then it will dawn upon you… why “duffer” and “buffer” rhyme.

Recently, I was given a “Bravo Award” at work. Turns out that I have to pay tax on the award. What’s more interesting is that the award is based on peer recommendation - someone recommended me for the award.

The government went on a taxation spree,
It has decided that my award wasn’t tax-free.
But this excessive taxation, I do not fret,
To my repertoire, I shall add a new threat,
“Recommend you, for an award I will”, If you dare to cross swords with me.

A friend of a friend was born on the same date as her brother - but only three years earlier… Just had to write this.

With twins our little planet is replete,
I bet you can probably meet one on every other street!
But siblings having the same birth dates…
…with a three year intervening gap that separates,
I must say, what an amazing family planning feat!

Once a drunkard was strolling down the highway,
Totally sloshed - while walking, couldn’t help but sway,
Eventually, he collapsed on a zebra crossing,
Wildly his arms and legs he began tossing,
Screaming, “By hook or crook - I will play this piano today!!”

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I know its been long since I posted - busy at work. Will continue to remain busy for a few days.

A friend had a flat tyre today. He was planning to call for a mechanic to fix it for him - but I kinda managed to talk him into doing it himself. He hadn’t done it before, so I tagged along. Sure enough, we were up and running in no time. I was just thinking to myself -

A flat tyre - anywhere it may befall,
Hence fixing it is a little skill that should be known to all,
The knowledge can be a real life saver,
But it’s also about Dignity of Labour.
Just realize that no job is too big or too small.

Sure it will take a little manual effort,
But what do stand to lose, how will it hurt?
You only risk getting your clothes soiled,
At the end of it, you’ll be glad you toiled,
After all, was childhood the last time when you were covered with a little dirt?

You may be wondering - if you even need to try,
After all, any skill in this world money can buy,
It’s an essential skill, to be known by all men,
It serves more purpose than just impressing women,
It’s an must know, if you call yourself an on-wheels guy.